OLD VERSION
It was one of the most fun days of my life. Jk
it sucked we had to run a lap of the bike track in the rain but someone at the
front let go so we had to run another lap we did it.
We did it after morning tea I went to make a new tiri chant I was lead
singer.
NEW VERSION
BANG! CRASH! The heavy rain strikes me down. I look up and it’s an
astonishing far way to go. I begin howling in the Tiritiri chant and soon
my whole group joined in. We begin to sprint, zooming to the end. “Yes!” I
scream with sweet, sweet relief then we start moving again. It all repeats, the
rain, the chant, the sprint and the relief. I run faster than I have ever run
before. Non-stop running.
I ate like it was a Thanksgiving feast. Soon after the rain cleared out.
After the feast was done we all walked in, soon to spread out into four
different bases to create out new chant.
We had just taught the young ones our new tiritiri chant. The
competition had started. My small team of brave and exhilarated tiritiri
soldiers. The Bravest were ready for anything.
Our goal was to capture the teacher. We went down a gluggy trench, so
stressed. I'm drenched but attempt on last failed attack
Great work Sacha, I love the way you've re-crafted your writing to make it more exciting for the reader. The vocabulary and sentence structure you've used has created a mood and painted a picture for the reader. Well done you!
ReplyDeleteFrom Mrs L